Overcoming fear of childbirth is almost absolutely necessary in order for you to have your natural baby birth. But that doesn’t mean you have to be fearLESS.
I don’t have a magic formula that will guarantee your fears away if you follow it step by step. You can’t wave a magic wand and wish away your fears either.
Still, we all will face something in our path determined to undermine us. It’s because we’re women, mothers and daughters of God in a fallen world, prone to natural anxieties.
But amazingly we, you and I, can learn how to channel those feelings into something that will strengthen us beyond what we think we are capable.
Overcoming Fear Of Childbirth
Apparently there is an official name for the substantial fear of pregnancy and childbirth–tokophobia. Whether or not you can be officially diagnosed with this condition is something that I don’t believe matters.
Because we ALL are afraid of something. The moment we see those two lines confirming what we often already know to be true is a moment when our fears we didn’t know we had start to surface.
Maybe you have some that you haven’t let manifest themselves. You bury them deep inside, thinking that others will be critical. Or you hide them from your husband and cry alone in a corner when he’s away so you can let something out without him becoming more anxious or irritated with you.
No matter what it is you HAVE to face it in order to go beyond the darkness and come out shining. Then looking back, you will realize that the journey was entirely worth it and wasn’t so bad as you imagined.
And facing those fears has to be done so bluntly and completely in order for your efforts to make a difference. Sure, you will never forget those fears and they make pop up into your memory from time to time. But they will be SMALL once you have learned how to cope with their presence.
Related: How To Be Fearless When Birth Is Looming
Common Fears To Address
Every fear we ever feel stems from the basic fear we all have–that we are not good enough. This is the biggest load of hogwash the adversary will spend every waking moment trying to convince us to believe.
But you can mock him right in the face and permeate with every cell in your body that you are DIVINE and are made for this experience. Our Heavenly Father would not have gifted us with this ability if he didn’t give use everything necessary in order to do it, and do it WELL.
We ARE good enough. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. You are the only and best mother for your child and bringing them into the world should not be something to dreadfully fear.
But let’s see what may be the key things for you and how to overcome them.
PAIN
This, by far, is what most mothers fear. Because it’s all you’re told and see portrayed in the media. It surrounds you in the tv commercials advertising basic pain medications. It’s the mantra westernized society has CREATED for itself and we, unfortunately, take the brunt of it.
Yes, pain is REAL, but it is also often ALL in our minds. What you CHOOSE to believe and focus upon is what you will experience. Our bodies feedback from what we tell it to do in many circumstances.
So even just having a little pain that we allow to flare our emotions from can automatically lead to even more, cascading into a funnel that becomes more and more difficult to climb out of. (Read more about the fear-tension-pain cycle here.)
But you CAN climb out of it, let alone not even step into it–BELIEVE that.
Are you afraid that you won’t be good enough or strong enough to withstand all the feelings associated wth your birth?
You are stronger than you think you are dear and when you’re on the other side, holding your baby, you’ll KNOW that you are.
HAVING A C-SECTION
Having a surgery is nerve-wracking. I’ve had two in my lifetime and I was nervous for sure. But I also knew that I was in the very place I wanted to be if something did go wrong–which nothing did. Maybe you’re in a position where a c-section is very likely for you because of your circumstances beyond your control. This is NOT your fault.
Remember that a c-section is a life-saving operation that has spared many lives in many situations. Even if your birth plan is such that you are trying to avoid a c-section at all costs, then you can rest assured that if you’ve done everything you can beforehand, if you end of needing to have one in the end, it may have been better off in order to save your baby’s life or your own.
That doesn’t mean I think you should jump at the chance to have one because you’ll be doing your child the biggest disservice of their life by limiting their microbiome. But you are not going to be measured by how your baby comes into this world. Even though it’s sad knowing that c-sections happen a third of the time, whether needed or not, it also means that you are likely in good hands should the necessity arise for one.
Are you afraid of being cut open?
Your body will heal and it DOES NOT make you any less of a mother.
TEARING
Having experienced this twice, I can say that it’s not as traumatic as it would seem to be. Tearing is better than an episiotomy in terms of healing. Plus, it’s so quick in terms of everything else that happens, you likely won’t even know that it has occurred (I didn’t.)
In comparison to all the other intense feelings you’ll experience, this is much lower on the scale. But I can’t speak for everyone. Are you afraid of the pain and recovery with tearing? Your body will heal and you can find great relief from a few natural products I never do without.
PROBLEM WITH THE BABY
It’s hard trying to understand and connecting to someone you haven’t met yet, even though they are every bit a part of you as your own face. Just as you are built for this experience, so is your baby. They may seem so fragile, but they are so powerfully strong and resilient too. You may make every single mistake in the book when it comes to your pregnancy and delivery, and yet your baby thrives without you even trying.
The risks for your baby are just as small as your own risks. Again, ever mother’s individual circumstances are unique, but so is your baby’s. They haven’t come with a lifetime of wear and tear yet like you have up to this point.
Are you afraid of losing your baby during your delivery?
If you are reading this, then it is practically guaranteed that you have everything available to you to keep risks for your baby infinitely miniscule. Some women don’t have that reassurance, but YOU DO.
BECOMING A MOTHER
This was probably my biggest fear before I ever got pregnant. This stems back to the fear of not being good enough, and we’ve already talked about that. It doesn’t matter how good so-and-so seems to do at the whole mothering thing, or how perfectly natural things seem to come to whats-her-face.
It doesn’t matter if this is the tenth child you’re having or your first. You are going through the greatest challenge you’ve ever had to face RIGHT NOW, no matter where you are on the ladder of motherhood. And none of us has the perfect guidebook or instruction manual given to us the moment we become a parent.
Are you afraid you won’t be a good mother to your child?
Simply by having this fear present means that you WILL be great. You will do all that you can to better yourself day by day because you have that desire burning in your bosom. You will find peace.
My husband and I were married for six years before we started having children. Relatives would bother us a lot about it. But we knew the time wasn’t right. Deep down though, I WAS afriad of becoming a mother. I was afriad of all the responsibilities it requires. I was afriad of not being good enough, not being ready.
Then I had a very personal experience that touched my life forever and I found peace with knowing that it was time for us to have a family. And the fear literally disappeared. It surfaces now and again when I’m learning how to deal with a new aspect of motherhood that I haven’t encountered before. But I wouldn’t turn back for a second because of all the strength and flourishing I have gained from moving forward and fighting through that fear.
Whatever your fear is, if it’s one or many it doesn’t matter, you CAN overcome it and push beyond its limitations. Watch Ina May’s Over Fear In Birth TED Talk here for her perspective that has inspired me.
What To Do To Address Your Fears
Take ALL of these steps one by one. They will all contribute to fighting your fear from every angle possible.
Stay away from the negativity.
Avoid the horror stories. Every mother seems to have one that didn’t enjoy their birth. Don’t watch the overly dramatized shows on TV that portray things completely out of proportion. Ask people to stop and not share their negative experiences. They are FAR from the realities that are MORE accurate for almost all mothers.
Find the facts.
Learn all that you can about a natural and normal labor and delivery experience. You can find tons of information right here at My Natural Baby Birth in the Studies and Resources area, or starting from the Stages of Labor and Stages of Childbirth posts. Ask questions, learn all that you can, choose a few books to read (here are my favorites) and explore multiple birthing course options to expand your knowledge of the realistic risks and expectations surrounding your birth.
Address any emotional issues.
There is nothing to be ashamed of emotionally. If you have a history of depression, anxiety or abuse, especially sexual abuse, seek professional help early. You are NOT any less of a mother by helping yourself become better. (To note, epidurals are associated with postpartum depression.)
Have a support system.
Tell others how you feel, those that you trust and are comfortable with. Spend time among people with the same values and desires as you. Join a mothers group or stick with friends that will not make you feel any less than what you are but that make you feel confident in your abilities and decisions.
Learn how to relax.
There are many methods to relaxation that you can explore. Start here, and then incorporate what feels right to you into your preparations. Being able to control your body’s reactions is the KEY to getting through a successful labor. You must also TRUST your body. It knows what it’s doing and really doesn’t need much help from you in many cases. When you trust a loved one, are you calm around them, for the most part? Trust your baby and you will find peace to relax.
I imagine that you’re taking a lot of time talking with your mother about her experiences. She is your closest resource often times. But remember–you are NOT your mother and likely won’t experience what she did.
My mother told me for years that she was always sicker than a dog every single day of all her pregnancies. So I was always imagining that same for me. I was WRONG. I am almost the completely opposite of my mother when it comes to our pregnancies and births.
You are a completely different generation apart from your mother and with that comes MAJOR differences in what can and will happen for you.
I also want you to know that it’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to have natural fears. Maybe that’s the whole reason why you’ve come looking for the help you need. But they are not necessary and you are GREATER than them.
>> Relax Away Your Fears With This Simple eBook <<
You will find peace when you look for it. And it’s usually right within us standing behind the fear that we’re focusing on. Change your focus and you may just change your life.
Oh my – “You are the only and best mother for your child”. I am thinking about my first pregnancy and was proper terrified – still working through it, I am at the every beginning of the journey. It’s not a contest but I believe that I am coming from far as a few years ago I would nearly pass out just by trying to read a paragraph describing labour. But this one sentence made me smile hard and gave me a surge of “wow, I want to do this”. I’ll keep reading but already, so many thanks!
It’s the truth, Sevy! I’m glad that it has helped. You’re going to do great. 🙂
Thank you for this article, Sarah! I am a few months away from giving birth to my little precious one, and I am looking to having a natural delivery with this birth. I do think that often times we can be fearful of the pain that we’ll experience, but with most things in life I strongly believe that if we mentally prepare ourselves and determine in our minds to do certain things, they can be done! I would love to see a revolution of women resorting back to natural births and embrace the ups and downs that come with it!
That’s so wonderful for you, Sal. Please let me know if you have any questions at all or if I can help with anything. If you haven’t seen it yet, here is my #1 recommendation for birthing courses because it involves your spouse. Best of luck! I know that you’re going to be great!
Sarah, thank you for a very informative post and answering the questions most women have asked at some time or another. I felt you answered the questions honestly and didn’t gloss over the facts. At all times you gave a positive answer and encouraged women to focus on the amazing experience of becoming a mother in a positive light. I agree with you it is a wonderful experience.
When we don’t get down to the facts and things are dramatized or pushed aside, it causes much more damage in the long run than being able to overcome anything necessary. We have to open the wounds or dig up the weeds before we can flourish or heal and continue to grow. Thank you for your comments, Marylin.
Sarah, I really enjoyed your website. I have 5 children and I can definitely say that giving birth is an amazing and special experience. Easy? No. Life-altering? For sure. I had an epidural with my first 2, but the third came so fast that I barely got to the hospital and certainly didn’t have time for any interventions. Well, my recovery was so much easier that time around I couldn’t believe it. It’s amazing what we women are able to do.
I’m glad you mentioned that your recovery was actually easier after going natural. Most women don’t realize that and think that the less they have to do during their birth, the less recovery will take place. You’re amazing! Thanks, Mickey.
Great article!
I agree that child birth is over hyped in the sense of all you hear about are the negatives, tearing, bleeding, nearly dying etc – in the case of my son, his mother nearly did die due to a lack of medical knowledge of the nurses (but that wasn’t related to the act of giving birth).
I believe most women tear because they are too tense, if they learnt to relax and not put so much fear into the process, things would go a lot smoother, I understand that not every women is as flexible down there but I believe this to be a huge contributing factor.
Aiden
Freedom Weight Loss
You’re quite right, Aiden. Fear causes tension and even ‘down there.’ When things aren’t relaxed, the body has to work harder, often causing tears in the first place or requiring an episiotomy . I’m trying perineal massage this time to see if it will help me because I’ve torn twice before.
It all plays together. I’m glad that your son’s mother came through okay, even after everything. Thanks for your comments!
My daughter is now 13 months old. I had a terrible pregnancy in some ways as I was sick the whole way through. In other ways, I loved it – especially the final trimester. I was no longer sick in the final two months of my pregnancy but I didn’t get that big and so I had a great deal of energy and was able to really connect with my growing baby inside of me.
I research everything I do in detail – and this was no different! I researched birth options to the nth degree – and surprised myself by being quite a “hippie” mother. When it came down to it, I wanted to have the most natural birth I could possibly have – minimal interventions. I live in a country where doctors rather than midwives deliver babies and due to reasons not related to the childbirth itself, birth often goes the way of intervention rather quickly. My husband and I took prenatal classes through the hospital where we were giving birth. We also took hypnobirthing classes. I chose a doctor who was pro-natural birth and a hospital where the same was true. I wrote a very specific birth preferences document, met with the midwives at the hospital and shared that with them and my doctor prior to birth.
12 days after my due date, I had dilated but was showing no signs of going into labour. My doctor was very supportive of my wish to leave it till I naturally started to labour but it just didn’t happen. And so we decided reluctantly to induce my daughter – three attempts later and my daughter still refused to arrive but after the third attempt she went into distress!
And I never experienced labour… I went straight into surgery and my daughter was born in the early hours of the 13th day after her due date – arriving by C-Section! I had been warned that she would choose how she would arrive and that I needed to let go of my need to have a completely natural birth. In some ways, my preparation could have made me feel disappointed and negative about my experience. However, by using hypnobirthing techniques even though I didn’t get my hypnobirth, I was able to accept the birth that I did have. Everything around the experience was amazing – we had skin-to-skin straight after, I breastfed straight after birth. Everything I asked for was taken into account and I would call the birth of my daughter a positive and amazing experience. The fact that it didn’t go to plan was irrelevant.
It turned out that due to a short cord that was wrapped around her neck and stomach several times, she would have never have been able to have been born naturally. So I am sooooo grateful that C-Sections are available – I don’t know whether she would have made it in the days when CS’s didn’t exist!
I am glad I was able to let go off my wishes to have a natural birth. I know many ladies who have seen this as a negative and therefore have a negative perception of their birth day – which i find so sad. The day my daughter was born was one of the very best days of my life and I could never see this day in a negative light!
By the way, my daughter still does what she wants and when she wants… I am thinking she was showing her personality off!! 😉
Thanks for the lovely article! Anything that can help new (or second/third/4th…. time mothers) to prepare and yet remain open to what will happen on birth day has my vote!
Sarah
Oh WOW, Sarah! That is such a wonderful perspective that you share. There are SO many mothers out there that feel if they’re birth doesn’t happen naturally and as they have planned, that they’re a failure–which is absolutely NOT true. Because of your preparation, your baby is that much healthier and you were mentally and emotionally strong for whatever circumstances you went through. I appreciate your honesty, candor and the fact that you wanted to share. I hope all mother who read this will find joy and hope in their own lives about their births and be every grateful for it. Thank you so much!
Sarah A mentioned how Hypnobirthing techniques worked the best for her. It is also my #1 Recommended program to get you through your natural birth. You can learn more here and get an instant download with the Birth Relaxation Kit when you decide that it will work well for you. Best!
Thank you Sarah! I just want to add that I definitely put down my ability to deal with whatever came my way to the hypnobirthing course I took. And I am pleased to see that is what you recommend…! Sarah
You’re welcome.
Hi Sarah,
Really nice and interesting article! I really liked reading it.I have two beautiful children now and would have loved to have more. I had a lot of fears while being pregnant and I was so afraid of loosing my independence and freedom.As well as getting fat and will not be able to lose weight after birth. And so on and on. In one word , it’s a shame I did have a chance to read a such helpful and great article. It would have helped me a lot!
Thank you for this great blog
Thanks, Daniella. I’m glad that you enjoyed the post. Feel free to share. 🙂
I can honestly say I think I’ll be a bit scared when I have my first kid, even though I won’t be having it… but don’t tell anyone lol
I think doing simple meditation can really do the trick- once a day in the morning can leave away so much stress and it really makes a difference on how you perceive things throughout the day.
Great article!
Matt TheDopestMatrix
Deep meditation and subtle hypnosis makes a huge difference in the perception of the entire birthing experience for any mother. Which is why I always recommend the Birth Relaxation Kit that can give mothers just that.
I try to spend a few minutes daily, especially before I go to sleep too, in that relaxation state of meditation and being in tune with my body. It makes such a difference on stress and calming the mind. Thanks Matt!
Wow you really hit home with this one! I was struggling to become pregnant finding out I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. I was at first terrified that I couldn’t become pregnant and that must have masked the many emotions that came out after I found out that my fertility treatment worked. Because of my syndrome I did a lot of research about all the things that could happen, and I began to doubt myself. The rollercoaster of emotions that ensued and consumed me, was something out of a nightmare. I have since been reading up on these feelings and am so happy to find your page. You really made me feel not so alone anymore. Thank you for all of this wonderful information!
Hi Jenni. Thank you for sharing. That must be so conflicting for you, but I’m glad that everything has worked out for the better. Are you still pregnant now? Or have you already given birth?
You may like to read another post I did recently about why I’m still having children in the world today . It addresses other types of ‘politically correct’ fears that women have.
If you ever have a question or need to chat, I’m here! You are NOT alone and never will be. Have a nice day and please stop by anytime.
Hi
as a father of two i loved your posts for women and their fears on childbirth. I was honored to deliver my second child at home on the bathroom floor as the snow feel and the ambulance struggled to get to us in time.
at that time it was my wife and myself who had to cope with the labour and ease my wife’s fear of doing it all on her own but i have to say she was amazing and after my daughter was finally born all the worries had disappeared. what i am trying to say is the end result far outweighs the fear in the end and your post relays that.
kindest regards
Gary
What a remarkable story Gary! I would love it if you or your wife could include it on the Stories Page so that other mothers and fathers can see the confidence and joy in your experience, even though it didn’t work out exactly as you had planned.
I would also agree that the end result far outweighs everything beforehand. Even all the aftermath from recovery and everything with raising your child is taken with the love you have for your baby. Thanks for sharing!
I had both my boys naturally and in two months will have my third the same way. Great article. Fear is something, that even on my third child I have to reign in sometimes. Birth is an intense experience, but there is nothing on earth more worth it.
That’s fantastic Amanda! I feel like we’re in the same boat, two boys and another almost here. I catch myself thinking anxiously sometimes about how maybe this time things will be worse or won’t go well. But I have to go back and read my OWN posts and reassure myself too. We’re just human and mothers at that in knowing that we’re not perfect, but also forgetting how much we’re capable of in order to believe in ourselves. I like how you said that birth is the only thing on earth where nothing is more worth it. Best!