I recently read this article on Huffington Post that I rather enjoyed actually. And the author’s (Kristen Mae) point of view is even the exact opposite of my own. In consideration of having a c-section vs. natural birth, her preference is opting for a c-section. I wonder if she truly knows all of the side effects and lack of benefits of her position.
Even though I ultimately disagree, I did rather enjoy reading her point of view and could relate on a lot of things she mentioned. I invite you to read the article here, and then I’ll address a few of the items I found noteworthy to help you understand perhaps her experience in comparison to mine.
My Body Failed Me
This is a very interesting phrase Kristen uses. It’s quite sad to think about, ironically. The idea that after an entire pregnancy, producing a miracle of growth and biological wonder with little conscious help from her as the mother, that her body FAILED?
Is it a failure on her part as a mother, or her baby’s part as a newborn, or God’s part in his design, that she simply wasn’t able to give birth vaginally? When you hear new mothers discuss their birth experiences and mention the fact that they had to go cesarean, do you label them a failure as a mother before they have even begun raising their child?
Sure, maybe Kristen and many mothers out there intend to give birth naturally, they take all the effort and time to prepare in a manner to do everything they possibly can so that it is so. There’s nothing wrong in the fact that even after all their efforts, life makes a choice without them and knows the best way for their baby to arrive is by a c-section.
I NEVER condemn a mother that chooses to have a birth via c-section, especially one that requires it for a medical necessity to ensure that they or their child is coming into the world the necessary way for their survival.
Western medicine may have it’s flaws and downfalls. But think of the countless numbers of women and children throughout the ages that could have been saved if cesareans were available in their time. Think of the thousands of babies that HAVE survived because of such a procedure that provides life to many that may not have any other means of hope.
If my mother had not given birth to two of her children from a c-section, I wouldn’t have a younger sister and brother. My mother may even have died either time without them as well. And it was not because my mother’s body failed her, or that she failed to do all that she could for her babies. Life just happens in ways that are beyond our control. When we accept that possibility, we will still find joy in the outcome.
If you have ever had a c-section or have planned one for your birth, necessary or not, you have NOT failed yourself or your baby. You are still making the best decision you know how to make. You are the ONLY perfect mother for your child and God knows it.
My Vagina Exploded
At first I laughed at Kristen’s description of her perineal tissue tearing from her delivery. But then I completely sympathized. I tore bad both times as well, requiring stitching and a difficult recovery towards resuming intercourse. It WAS painful to heal after that.
I recall after my first birth, seeing the bloody hook on a string the doctor was using to sew me up. Almost freaking out, then just breathing and laying back down, paying attention to my beautiful boy, I remembered why I did NOT want a mirror during the delivery to see all the gruesome tidbits. I refused to even look down there for a month or so, so that I wouldn’t be further scarred for life.
But I DID heal. Yes, getting back to my regular habits and routines with my husband was difficult. I have scar tissue, two layers of it. So out sexual recovery may have been much longer than the standard. And actually (gasp) I may elect for an episiotomy next time due to the history of how my babies like to view the world
Image courtesy of grc.nd.edu
for the first time.
But I know that my body is strong and will heal itself. I occasionally check down there now and I’m not horrified at what I see. Sure, things aren’t ever going to be the same down there like before giving birth. But now I know I’m stronger for next time, ready, and prepped by experience.
You will heal after your birth too. Not everyone tears either. Not everywoman requires stitches afterwards. Not all women have difficulty resuming their sex life. But if you do…..it will come back. The more you persist with it to be better, the easier and sooner it will be. It JUST takes time.
Shame Should Have No Part In It
I love how Kristen ended her article. She’s absolutely right. No matter if we prefer one way to birth than another, we as mothers should NEVER force guilt or apply humiliation upon those who may have experienced or chosen another path than us.
We as women seem to always create such conflict within and between ourselves. We’re social, encouraging, always visiting and helping those in need. We bond and give service to many, naturally finding moments and opportunities to lift each other.
But then simultaneously: we’re jealous or eager to find fault with each other. Sometimes we secretly keep score cards of all the negatives we experience with one another, as if someone else’s downfall will magically lift us above them on the “perfect mother” or “superwoman” ladder. We compete and choose pride over our divine nature.
The former is what our Heavenly Father gives to us, and also expects of us. The latter is what the Adversary desires to be our downfall. I have this quote by my desk at work:
Simply do what you can do, in the best way you know, and the Lord will accept of your effort.
- President Gordon B. Hinckley, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints
Do What You Can Do
Let me repeat: do what you CAN do. Not all of us can miraculously reach inside ourselves and turn that baby so they’re not breech. Not all of us can predict an emergency situation requiring us to be relieved of our babies very quickly.
But all of us can offer support and love to other mothers who’ve had to go through such times. All of us can arrange and develop our lives in such a way that we are proud of our decisions in birthing and raising our children. All of us can find joy in motherhood when we don’t let the adversary in.
Please let me hear from you. I hope you read Kristen’s article and that you also finished this post, dwelling on your own thoughts and feelings of betterment for yourself and your family. You can move forward now with keeping yourself strong.
Or if you’re still working on finding your own way through the acceptance of what your labor may bring:
Learn to Manage Labor Pains with Acceptance
Today is January 2nd as I type. Start your New Year off the best way you know how.
As an anesthesiologist, I strongly agree that natural childbirth is still better. C-section has a lot of risks, many possible things can happen inside the operating room, such as wide swings in blood pressure, sudden decrease in oxygen levels, and awakening from anesthesia during OR.
Thank you for providing your professional point of view, Glen. I have never known anyone in the medical field except a few nurses that didn’t truly believe in natural childbirth until I proved them wrong.
There are MANY risks as you say and I appreciate you stating that. I’m going to be discussing such risks in the future. It’s good to know there are more and more individuals all the time in the medical field that agree.
Please share as you like. I appreciate your comment!
My wife suffered severe tearing with my son (our first) so she was advised to have a C-section for our daughter’s delivery. After going through natural childbirth with our son, she was more than happy with a C-section for the second time around.
It never would have occurred to me that a woman would feel shame over any method of delivery. This is good to know…thank you.
I’ve never heard of anyone tearing so bad they’d need to do a c-section the next time. But I’m glad that your wife was fine and everything turned out alright. I appreciate you sharing with us, Dave. Thanks for your comment!
Not women can have vaginal births. It is just a fact of life. Not every women will have a normal birth. So far both of my daughter in laws have had babies a full month earlier than they were supposed to. I know how each of them took special care to make sure they created health babies. We as humans do not have full control of how these babies are going to develop or be delivered. We just have to thank God for the medical science that gives us our childrens lives. Which I think is your point. Thank you for the article.
I completely agree, Michael. God ultimately has all the control with how our babies come to us once they leave him. I do thank him for all the modern miracles which we have too. Thanks so much for sharing.
My daughter’s birth was natural, and due to my own miscalculation, without epidural. My wife was amazing and brought the most beautiful blessing into the world. I will never forget that experience. I really enjoyed this well written post.
That’s wonderful for your family, John. You are welcome to share your experience on the stories page. Thank you so much for your comment. I will never forget the births of my children either.
What a wonderful post! I salute you for making sure everyone understands that things could happen that might be out of your control.
A lot of moms feel guilty about a lot of things - we have so many expectations on us (from ourselves and from others). If we don’t live up to these we feel like we’re failures as mothers. I write “we” since I’ve talked to a lot of friends who felt the same way about being pregnant (and not feeling the way they “should”), giving birth (not reacting the way they should) or breastfeeding (not being able to breastfeed for example).
Thanks for reminding everyone that we do the best we can!
Marie
I appreciate your insight, Marie. I used to get posts from a blog about being a good wife. And one of the posts I remember now talked about how we need to remove the word “should” from our vocabulary as women. Because we always seem to say to ourselves “I should feel this way, I should have done things that way.” But in reality, how we’ve already experienced things and what we’ve already chosen for our lives is perfectly how it needs to be. It’s just another form of guilt we throw upon ourselves.
We could certainly dive into this topic for ever. Perhaps I will post about it further in the future because it is always something we’re working with, especially when pregnant and having babies. Thanks, Marie, for your comment.
Hello Sarah! I’ll remove all my should’s…. Or at least I will try
I certainly try to as well. But then my husband would quote Yoda and say, “There is no try, only do.” (*Eye roll, :)) Thanks for your comment, Marie.
doesn’t matter how the baby got here, it matters how good you take care of it afterwards!
Of course, booklover2. I’m still trying to figure out how to do that! Thanks for your comment.
The way you presented your point of view was really beautiful. I think, as you said, the last thing mothers should not concern themselves with how others delivered their babies. The most important thing is that the baby is here and has a loving family to care for him.
I like how you said that, Roman. “The most important thing is that the baby is here and has a loving family to care for him.” I appreciate your input and thank you for your comment.
Hi Sarah. Nice job on another great article. All mothers to be should read this and I will be sure to pass it along to as many as I can. Thanks for sharing with us.
I appreciate your help, Jeremy. Hope you had a great New Years. Thanks!
Wow! Very interesting information. Some may feel there is some controversial information, but still good information. My wife had to have C-sections and she hated it. She wanted natural and is envious of those who had no problems giving natural child birth.
It’s hard when we don’t get what we most desire or work for sometimes. But I’m glad that your children arrived safe and well, no matter the route. At times I am a bit envious of the mothers that deliver pain free, not that I resent going through the labor pains, but that it was much easier for them (sometimes). But anyhow, I’ve never regretted my decisions.
Your wife is the perfect mother for your children and even if they were born in a way she didn’t prefer, she is blessed because of her love and caring for them. Thanks for sharing, Michael.